Parenting when you are poorly can bring a number of challenges. There is nothing more difficult than looking after others when you can't function like a healthy person. Children are very demanding but quite rightly so, as they are meant to be that way!
I decided now was a good time to create this post as parenting is currently more of challenge because we are in lockdown due to COVID-19. Right now times are uncertain and stressful for everyone so tolerance levels will be lower for most parents, even with a whole world of good intentions. For the most part, our children (Araydia, Daisy and William - all 7 years old) have been managing the lock down brilliantly and there has been very good behaviour with only minor blips. However all parents have bad days when tolerance is lower and I have been having one today; always a problem this time of the month - being a woman can be rubbish!
Lets face it, kids make a lot of mess - annoying. They wind up the dog so he never stops barking - annoying as hell and hurts my ears. They throw their toys around outside - drives me loopy, especially when a very expensive baby Annabelle hits the floor with a massive crack! They can't keep the clay on the mats and stop dropping it on the floor, then most of the clay is wasted and not used after they asked for it - infuriating as someone who makes clay art. They cannot tidy up to save their little lives and usually tantrums occur at the mere mention of it (mostly Araydia). They cannot walk ANYWHERE so things are always being knocked or broken (always my stuff too) and they think the sofa is a soft play area - bad manners I say! And finally, sitting through a film without messing around or asking 3 million questions is an impossibility - again, infuriating! I am sure there has been more, but even I am bored of my moaning over such trivial little things. It has just been one of those...PMS days - sorry guys!
My reason for writing this is that when you are poorly as a parent, every day can feel like a PMS day! It is difficult to be emotionally available to a child when your suffering with your own mental health. Many parents won't admit this - I know as I have worked with a lot. But it is. Even with all the knowledge and experience in the world, you still cannot be emotionally available when your mental health is suffering. That doesn't make us bad parents, that makes us human - like everyone else! When I was at my worst, we had to have quite strict rules in place for the children in order to minimise inconsistency within our parenting, and so they could understand what is expected of them. This helped keep my stress levels lower during difficult times. Now that I am recovering well, I feel so much more relaxed when it comes to the kids behaviour. I am slowly becoming my old self, only better and I can't wait to start therapeutic parenting again! Therapeutic parenting is something I learnt whilst training to be a Social Worker and It is such a wonderful way to parent - I recommend looking into it!
I had a friend (I use that word loosely) who I once confided in about my Bulimia Nervosa. She told me that as a parent I should not be allowing my mental health to suffer. Being a parent meant I should not be unwell. Yes, she was a self centred bitch who didn't know the first thing about children or what it is like to suffer with trauma related illnesses. Being a parent is AMAZING and yes it takes up most of your life, but being a mother is not the only thing that defines who we are! If it were, we would be pretty damn boring. Our past does not just disappear once we have a child - If only... So I am Nikki and yes I have had a mental breakdown which affected my ability to parent for a short time, but you know what - I am a damn good mother and work really hard to be the best I can for our children. I am not just a parent, I am a human who loves bunnies, crystals, healing, being kind and art. Those things are just a few of the elements that build up my personality. Just like me, you are more than just a parent! You are a perfectly imperfect human who is allowed to have bad days, you are allowed to get sick and you are still a wonderful parent <3
Suffering with a physical disability also has a significant impact on how we parent. For me it took away my ability to do many different things. I no longer had the same energy levels or the same stamina. It was painful playing physical games or sitting on the floor. Fibromyalgia causes fatigue and brain fog too which can be hard to explain to a child who just wants to run around with you, climb on you and bounce on trampolines with you. Exercise used to be my outlet for stress and all of a sudden my ability to keep up my fitness levels decreased as pain and fatigue worsened. Losing your stress outlet as a parent, alongside being in often intense pain can make things really difficult. Unfortunately you do end up sacrificing some of the time you used to be able to spend with your child. In this situation it is very easy to feel like a failure as a parent; but it is important to remember that this is not true! No one can help being poorly and we can only do our best!
Never forget that you are a wonderful parent, you are allowed bad days and to get sick. We all make mistakes and none of us are perfect. Your best is good enough!
My Bunny Crystal Life xxx
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