There is nothing like a near death experience to remind you how much you want to be alive. When those pictures were taken I was in the ICU following emergency surgery. My appendix had gone gangrene and ruptured and consequently caused a massive abscess to develop inside my pelvic cavity. By the time the hospital worked out what was wrong, I already had sepsis. It was only by chance that they figured it out because a new surgeon over heard and came to test me by putting pressure on my appendix and releasing quickly, to see if it made the pain worse. After being discharged twice with the same issue and doctors blaming my bowels, saying I was just constipated due to my medication; it was a great relief to be seen by this wonderful surgeon who literally saved my life. The whole thing annoyed me immensely - like dude, I can tell the difference between needing a massive shit and something serious going wrong inside me! The surgery was meant to take less than 2 hours, but it took just over 5. There were issues with keeping me stable and obviously it was a lot more complicated than they imagined.
Whilst this was all going on inside me I did my best to carry on with life as normal. Fortunately I have very strong painkillers on hand for my Fibromyalgia, which helped to take the edge off. I have never experienced pain quite like it and I could feel something was amiss in my pelvic area, because I was struggling to walk after going out with the kids and dog. Although perhaps it would have been caught earlier if I wasn't taking such painkillers that masked the symptoms. My after care experience was not very good - there was a health care assistant on the ward that would taunt people and was always rude - she reminded me of the nurses who end up murdering their patients. It was clear she should not be trusted and other hospital staff echoed my concerns when I spoke to them about it. It was a battle to get my regular medication and I kept having severe panic attacks when Faye wasn't there. The final straw was being woken up at 3am and told to pack my things and move wards. At this point I lost my shit and walked out of the hospital and got Faye to pick me up. This of course meant I wasn't getting the antibiotic drip I needed to fight the sepsis so I had to beg and plead with my GP to take over my after care - he was brilliant! That being said, I do not recommend that anyone ever discharge themselves from hospital against medical advice - in hindsight it was a bad idea and very dangerous.
When this happened I was still very much struggling with my mental health, including experiencing suicidal thoughts. Now, there is a difference between having the thoughts and having intention to act on them; at this stage in my recovery I had no intention to act on those thoughts and feelings. I had worked very hard with Faye's support to get to the stage where I could manage those feelings and thoughts safely. However, I still had my moments and the option of suicide had not fully been taken off the table - it was my get out of jail free card so to speak (if life went wrong). I didn't realise this at the time, but having that option available in the back of my mind, made my recovery journey impossible. My Therapist and I explored this in great depth and concluded that if I did not 'close the door' on suicide as an option then focusing on getting better could not happen - I was not committed to life so I could not commit to recovery.
During my worst moments I was unable to see the impact my death would have on my family - I was a horrible person unworthy of life and everyone would be better off without me. However, being that I was further along in my recovery at this point, I was able to see and imagine the impact it would have on my loved ones. At risk of sounding odd, I also felt that it would impact me too; I suddenly couldn't bear to imagine not being able to see Faye's beautiful face, hug her, kiss her or comfort her. I couldn't bare to never see my baby girls face again, or be able to support her through the challenges of growing up. This experience was like the missing piece to the jigsaw that had been my life. Almost dying from something I could not control literally saved me. I wanted to live. I deserved to live and I was loved!
I guess sometimes we find answers in places we never would have thought to look!
My Bunny Crystal Life xxx
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