Body Dismorphia is like someones idea of a sick joke. I feel quite strongly that this condition is incredibly difficult to live with and never really goes away. The picture to the left is me when my Bulimia was at its worst - all I can see are fat and ugly bits, but I also understand that I was very sick when this photo was taken.
It is hard to explain how it affects me. What I see in the mirror is not what others see. However I also find it hard to believe that my eyes are not seeing correctly. I mean, I have great eyesight and mirrors reflect what is true and accurate in that moment. I don't put on weight just from looking in the mirror right!?
Body Dismorphia is more than just seeing a warped version of yourself in the mirror though. It comes with obsessive behaviours too - at least mine does. Getting ready in the mornings certainly comes with challenges and often impacts my mood if I am having a hard time with it that day.
It starts with my face, I have a huge nose and I would do anything to get rid of it. Everything I do with my hair and my make-up is in an attempt to hide it more from the world. So I apply my make-up and highlight certain areas to create the illusion of a smaller nose. I cannot wear my hair up as it makes my nose look bigger. So I rarely go anywhere if my hair is not down. I have to be careful with photos and only get caught from the front. I can't bear having people positioned to my side because it means they have to look at my nose from the side. I feel like my nose makes me unlikable. The amount of time I spend caught up worrying about it is absolutely ridiculous! Actually, its just really sad and exhausting.
It then comes to getting dressed and the constant mirror checks and scrutinising of how I look in my clothes. I have to check everything! literally. These checks usually determine how body confident I feel that day. I check all the 'problem' areas that I feel are particularly fat - thighs, tummy and bits near my under arms. I have to check how they look to me that day whilst deciding what sort of clothes I will put on. Then I have to check how it all looks with the clothes on and see how big or small the gap between my thighs are (with feet together). Yet again, another sad and exhausting behaviour pattern. I am pretty much ready to go back to bed at this point!
Throughout the day I make regular mirror checks. Always checking how my make-up is holding up, might there be a smudge or some fall out on my face? Have any blemishes reared their ugly heads this this morning? Sometimes public toilets have full body length mirrors in them - that is like hitting the jackpot to my stupid brain! Time to see how fat I am again...
Having Body Dismorphia, especially when it connects to an eating disorder is torture, all day long. Do you have any idea how much time I spend caught up in my own head worrying!? even simple things like sitting down - is my tummy poking out? do my legs look fatter when I'm sitting? I always suck my tummy in, try not to relax my legs and am constantly worried about the people around me thinking I look fat. I even use my scarves and coats to put over me like a blanket when sitting in public places. Doing that makes me feel safer, comfortable and less exposed, but hell does it look odd!
I hope this post goes some way in raising awareness of Body Dismorphia and what a debilitating condition it can be. It is a condition I rarely see talked about and it doesn't sound all that bad, but it can literally control your life! It will be a long hard fight to get rid of this one!
My Bunny Crystal Life xxx
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