I moved to a new primary school when I was in year 4 so I would have been 8-9 years old if my maths is correct - it probably isn't! Until that day I was like any other happy child, I believed that I was beautiful and smart and all the lovely things family and friends had told me over those 8-9 years of life. This was the very day that shattered everything I knew about myself. All of a sudden I was ugly and had a massive horrible nose. I was nicknamed Pinocchio and taunted every day. Being bullied is the original source of my struggles - the moment my self destruct button was hit. Those bullies have a lot to answer for. To this day I hate my nose and how I look. I developed an eating disorder in an attempt to get a perfect body, to make up for my ugly face. over the years I have contemplated every possible way to make my nose smaller; trying to 'push it in', use a hammer, and considered cutting off my skin and shaving the bone away. I have begged the NHS for a nose job because it controls my life in so many ways. If I could turn back time, I never would have moved to that school. It destroyed my life.
Secondary school was even worse, everyone who bullied me moved to the same school and there were new people to pick on me too. This is when my eating issues got worse, I began self-harming and smoking both tobacco and cannabis. There was even an incident where a teacher humiliated me about my nose in front of the whole class - I was swinging on my chair, like every other teenager in the room. The teacher said to me that I should stop swinging on the chair because the first thing I would land on would be my nose. I mean, what kind of cock snot says that, let alone a teacher! I wanted to die in a hole. Eventually, I had reached my limit and couldn't take it any longer. I missed a lot of school and couldn't face going back so I decided to move schools. We had just moved to a new village and I had made some friends who went the local secondary school. I managed to talk the school into letting me move back a year so that I could have friends in my year from the get go. This is where I knew I had to change to make sure I would not be the victim of bullying again! I was badly behaved, into drugs, aggressive and rude - I never bullied anyone though. I just made myself so damn scary that no one would dare to piss me off. I was basically the angry goth of the school! I used to stand up for people who were being bullied and would scare the bullies away! I did get in trouble for this a couple of times when I stood up for year 7 kids as it would really scare them being threatened by a much older student with anger issues. My new persona was a great success and I was no longer getting bullied! However, it did come at a price... I was always in trouble and wasn't doing well with my school work - mostly because I just didn't care and refused to do it. All of the teachers hated me and I was always part of the staff room gossip! I know this because my school counsellor would often talk to me about it - he was great, without him fighting my corner I would have been expelled! Bullying is something I feel very strongly about, because I know firsthand how it can totally destroy your life. I often wonder, if my bullies knew how it would affect me throughout my life, would they still do it? I wish I had the time and courage to find them and ask. I find myself feeling 'stupid' for still allowing it to affect me so deeply, but I can't help it - it has caused my brain to develop in a way that wont let me forget it. The bullying informed my own opinion about myself and no matter what I try, it never goes away. I am 31 years old now, I still hate myself and the way I look. Everything I do with myself is an attempt to make my nose look smaller, or to stop others from noticing it. I wont have photos taken unless it is straight on, I style my hair in ways that hide it - I wish I could wear my hair up or feel comfortable enough to pin it back. I always try and sit in a way that no one is able to see me from the side and I use makeup to try and make it look smaller. I hope that one day will come where I can accept myself as I am - I understand that I will probably never love or like myself, so aiming for acceptance is all I am able to do at this stage...though a nose job would fix my all my problems! ha. I try to practice forgiveness toward them. I understand that they didn't know any better and were obviously nurtured to believe that bullying is okay. I just wish I could forget too. I wish that they would see this blog post and how much they hurt me - I didn't deserve that, I was just a kid...until the bullying started. For anyone who might be experiencing bullying and needs someone to talk to, I am here. You can contact me on: Nikkimarie.bunny@gmail.com You are not alone! My Bunny Crystal Life xxx
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